A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas,
but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.
As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.
You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me,
but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly.”
The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing….”

My nookie days are over/My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal/Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord/From my trousers it would spring
But now I’ve got a full-time job/To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing/The way it would behave
For every single morning/It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches/It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head/And watch me tie my shoes.

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10. Did you get any under the tree?
9. I think your balls are hanging too low.
8. Check out Rudolph’s honker!
7. Santa’s sack is really bulging.
6. Lift up your skirt so I can get a clean breath.
5. Did you get a piece of fruitcake?
4. I love licking the end till it’s really sharp and pointy.
3. From here you can’t tell if they’re artificial or real.
2. Can I interest you in some dark meat?

And the No. 1 Christmas phrase that sounds dirty but isn’t:

1. To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

Little Johnny was staying with his granny for a few days.
He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Granny, what’s that called when 2 people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
She was a little taken, but she decided to just tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling”.
Little Johnny just said, “Oh, OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Granny, it isn’t called sexual intercourse.
It’s called “Bunk Beds”. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.”

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men
1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!
5. If you don’t like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No”, so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said “No”, so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said “Have you ever been f**ked?”
The fellow said “No”,
She said “You will be when the tide comes in”

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

“Mmmm, sounds lovely,” said Grandma, “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But, you’re so old, how do you do it?”

Grandma replied,” Oh, it’s quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck ‘em dry.”